I don't quite fit with the Mom group at the school. I'm too likely to express an opinion too strongly or, worse, not have the right opinion about things. Heck, I'm the Mom who flipped off another Mom in the school parking lot (in my defense, she DID try to kill me with her mini-van). I'm the Mom who failed at the annual "Decorate the Teacher's Door" day for my children's teachers. Stupid me thought it was supposed to be something my kids created to show gratitude for their teachers. The posters we submitted were 3rd Grade level art. Imagine my horror when I got to school and found out it was actually one of those competitive Mom events! Freaking scrapbook Moms (and yes, I used to be a scrapbook Mom too so you'd have expected better from me)!
Sometimes my boldness comes in handy, like when they tried to eliminate the Immersion program without talking with the parents. Too assertive is handy when they need someone willing to "get her witch on" but a turn off at most other times. I'm not careful enough in how I present myself sometimes or I don't tread carefully enough and I unintentionally hurt feelings when I don't mean to. That puts me on the fringe- no one likes to hang with a chick who can be unintentionally intimidating or overly pushy or socially clueless.
I worked on this Senate campaign in a couple of different roles, all of which were pretty intense. We lost by a few percentage points.
I've given up entirely on fitting in at Church. There are wonderful women who have reached out and embraced me but I feel so incredibly conspicuous and awkward there. That's all I'll say about that or I'll go from mere "fringe" to full-on "social leper".
I also run around just a bit in the creative and blogger circles. The women I associate with there just blow my mind with their talents and skills. I know I have some skills and talents but not all the RIGHT skills and talents to really succeed there- I'm just kinda almost successful with all of that. I'm sort of on the edge of that community with one foot in and one foot out, not really sure if I should try and step in the circle or just let it ride.
I am no longer a Stay-At-Home Mom so I've lost some friends as a result of that- not because anyone has "dumped" me or treated me badly but rather because time is so limited now, it changes the dynamic. I'm not a full-time working Mom with a high powered job so I don't fit with that group either. I have a really awesome job that I love, but it's a "Mom job" and not at all the same career trajectory I was on in my pre-kid life. I'm totally good with that- it's worth it to do something I love that allows me to still be here for the kids when they are home from school, but it does put me in the middle of nowhere in the SAHM/WOHM wars. I guess that's a plus! I've loved being BOTH kinds of Mom (and each choice had it's benefits and drawbacks). I don't want to chose sides!
Through some of the community stuff I've done mostly when I was a SAHM and other things I'm involved with now, I have had cause to serve with the "social elite" from time to time. I've always been treated well by these folks but there is never any question that I am not one of them nor will I ever be. That's actually one place where the "fringe" suits me just fine!
Let's not even go there with the thin, pretty, stylish, work-out Moms because I can't even ATTEMPT to run in that circle- though I did get to go "boob shopping" once with one of my hot-mama friends. We picked a nice, full "C" and had fun trying on the ginormous silicone sizes for giggles too! I alternately loathe and admire those who put in the time and effort required to maintain a great figure post-child bearing.
At the end of the day, I guess it's good to be fringe because it means I get to associate with a lot of interesting people that wouldn't be in my "circles" at all if I were only sticking with my comfort zone. I sometimes wish I had closer relationships with girlfriends but, to be fair, I have 4 sisters to fill that role for me and no one will EVER "get" you like family! I can say I wish I had closer relationships with female friends but, if I'm being honest, I don't really open myself to that- partly because I have my sisters and partly because I tend to chose people I think need my fixing (not fair to me and especially to them- but that's one of the bad traits I'm trying to fix in MYSELF now that I'm 40).
It would seem that my circle of sisters is the ONE place I'm not fringe- they're just as weird, opinionated, oversharing and awkward as I am!
The upside of all these pretty fringe circles is that I have the change to know A LOT of people. There is not a service, bit of knowledge or skill I would ever in this lifetime need to call upon that at least one of the women in my "circles" doesn't have or couldn't locate. I love that! I also gravitate to women who are strong and passionate and willing to pursue the ideas and activities that motivate them EVEN WHEN it's hard. That means they're pretty busy too. They inspire me in a way that wouldn't exist otherwise. I don't care WHAT it is they are passionate about, running, politics, creating etc., I just love being around the people who are invested in "getting it done".
When I started this post, I was having a bit of a "pity party" because I don't have one of those tight-knit friend groups (cliques if you want to call it that) where you get together for Bunco and gossip. However, through the course of cataloging all my fringy-ness I realized instead that I have a rich network of amazing women who grace my life and build me up when I need it. I hope I return that same assistance to them.
I was recently interviewed for an article about "The Importance of Learning To Network for Moms". And I suppose that is truly what I have- an awesome network of people for whom I get to claim "coolness by association". I guess the fringe is not so bad afterall!
Given my tendency toward opinionated boldness, you'd think that I fit in fantastically with my political friends. I ALMOST do. However, if I'm being honest, I'm sort of the slow-flying goose trying to keep up with a flock of swans. I'm politically interested and have a lot of skills that play well in that arena- I just don't have the same passion or love the :fight" for change or, at a minimum, good government. I *like* to be involved, I just don't live and breathe it. I also have a really hard time working hard for someone I believe in then being on the losing end. Losing sucks!
I've given up entirely on fitting in at Church. There are wonderful women who have reached out and embraced me but I feel so incredibly conspicuous and awkward there. That's all I'll say about that or I'll go from mere "fringe" to full-on "social leper".
I also run around just a bit in the creative and blogger circles. The women I associate with there just blow my mind with their talents and skills. I know I have some skills and talents but not all the RIGHT skills and talents to really succeed there- I'm just kinda almost successful with all of that. I'm sort of on the edge of that community with one foot in and one foot out, not really sure if I should try and step in the circle or just let it ride.
I am no longer a Stay-At-Home Mom so I've lost some friends as a result of that- not because anyone has "dumped" me or treated me badly but rather because time is so limited now, it changes the dynamic. I'm not a full-time working Mom with a high powered job so I don't fit with that group either. I have a really awesome job that I love, but it's a "Mom job" and not at all the same career trajectory I was on in my pre-kid life. I'm totally good with that- it's worth it to do something I love that allows me to still be here for the kids when they are home from school, but it does put me in the middle of nowhere in the SAHM/WOHM wars. I guess that's a plus! I've loved being BOTH kinds of Mom (and each choice had it's benefits and drawbacks). I don't want to chose sides!
Through some of the community stuff I've done mostly when I was a SAHM and other things I'm involved with now, I have had cause to serve with the "social elite" from time to time. I've always been treated well by these folks but there is never any question that I am not one of them nor will I ever be. That's actually one place where the "fringe" suits me just fine!
Let's not even go there with the thin, pretty, stylish, work-out Moms because I can't even ATTEMPT to run in that circle- though I did get to go "boob shopping" once with one of my hot-mama friends. We picked a nice, full "C" and had fun trying on the ginormous silicone sizes for giggles too! I alternately loathe and admire those who put in the time and effort required to maintain a great figure post-child bearing.
At the end of the day, I guess it's good to be fringe because it means I get to associate with a lot of interesting people that wouldn't be in my "circles" at all if I were only sticking with my comfort zone. I sometimes wish I had closer relationships with girlfriends but, to be fair, I have 4 sisters to fill that role for me and no one will EVER "get" you like family! I can say I wish I had closer relationships with female friends but, if I'm being honest, I don't really open myself to that- partly because I have my sisters and partly because I tend to chose people I think need my fixing (not fair to me and especially to them- but that's one of the bad traits I'm trying to fix in MYSELF now that I'm 40).
It would seem that my circle of sisters is the ONE place I'm not fringe- they're just as weird, opinionated, oversharing and awkward as I am!
The upside of all these pretty fringe circles is that I have the change to know A LOT of people. There is not a service, bit of knowledge or skill I would ever in this lifetime need to call upon that at least one of the women in my "circles" doesn't have or couldn't locate. I love that! I also gravitate to women who are strong and passionate and willing to pursue the ideas and activities that motivate them EVEN WHEN it's hard. That means they're pretty busy too. They inspire me in a way that wouldn't exist otherwise. I don't care WHAT it is they are passionate about, running, politics, creating etc., I just love being around the people who are invested in "getting it done".
When I started this post, I was having a bit of a "pity party" because I don't have one of those tight-knit friend groups (cliques if you want to call it that) where you get together for Bunco and gossip. However, through the course of cataloging all my fringy-ness I realized instead that I have a rich network of amazing women who grace my life and build me up when I need it. I hope I return that same assistance to them.
I was recently interviewed for an article about "The Importance of Learning To Network for Moms". And I suppose that is truly what I have- an awesome network of people for whom I get to claim "coolness by association". I guess the fringe is not so bad afterall!
6 comments:
So now I am wondering what about me needs fixing. I must be in bad shape since you have stuck with me for almost 20 years now. (jk, I hope) Anyway, I value your friendship and I know that I can always turn to you for sound advice, a good laugh or a shoulder to cry on. We may be 300 miles apart, and not hanging out in my backyard, but I am so glad you are my friend.
The best thing about the fringe and me and you!!! We pick up right where we left off, no problem, I too value that!!! I kinda like being fringe-y or ruffle-y or even edge-y...
Ann- you are one of those rare friends whom I may not get to spend as much time with due to distance BUT we'll be friends forever. We can go months without talking then pick up right where we left off like no time has passed. Love your guts!
Brynn- we're both that way too! LOL! Hope the pregnancy is continuing to go well. Can't wait to meet your next little blonde girly!
I have a feeling a lot of us feel the same way you do. The feelings don't every go away from those middle school years, right? I think you just need to get out of Utah. :)
It is sooo different living in the Gentile world, if you know what I mean.
Thanks for the great post. And I consider myself pretty weird too, that is for sure.
I've often felt fringe-y in groups. No one group has ever been the perfect fit for me, but like you, I've figured out that it's fine to just be me and fit in where I can. Networking. That's a good, positive word for it.
Oh wow. This is EXACTLY how I've been feeling! And I have to say, since you're one of those people who I look at and think, "She's got it all" (do you want a list?), I'm amazed that you have these days too.
Thank you so much for posting xx
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